533rd entry ~ We had the LDR talk.
1:08 pm
Wow, where do I start? I've been through a roller coaster the past few days, and I created it by myself. haha I tend to do that when I get sad. Currently I'm hiding from the phone. "the snake" has already called me, much like I thought she would do. Pretty much all of the childrens department quit, so now they are calling in other people and they've been taking people from home and from mens departments to go do recovery in their department. So she called. I let her talk to the machine. I'm not going in. I knew yesterday she was going to call. I just had a feeling. Well I was right! So now I'm hiding.
I turned off the lights last night after reading Mr B's email, put my head down and my phone rang. It was Clayton. We chatted for about an hour. Then I decided I couldn't wait until morning to respond to his email, so I got up at one and wrote him back. One thirty I went back to bed and slept until the sun came up. Of course Mr. B didn't get back to me like I thought he would on his day off!!! Apparently me staying up until one to write his sorry ass means nothing to him. I know he doesn't have control over his computer time, I know that. I'm just kind of pissed that I'm sitting here so tired and he couldn't write me back. Damn him.
I sent him an email a few days back saying I didn't know if I wanted to do a LDR. I didn't know if it would be worth it and I didn't know if I could handle seeing him just twice a year. He wrote me back last night with all this sweet stuff. He did mention that if I was worried about not getting any sex, I might have to find someone else, or we could take care of that when he returned. haha How can I miss something I've never had?? It was a sweet email. I told him he always knows how to make me look like an idiot. He does too! For not being much of a talker, he certainly knows how to say all the right things. He said I shouldn't be in such a rush, unless I was getting married tomorrow. haha He asked if I planned on getting married while I was in school and I told him hell no in the reply. My cousin got married right after she got out of school. I don't think I'd want to do that. I would want to get my career started before i even think of settling down with someone. So if him and I do stay together, we've got at least five or six years ahead of us before any big commitment would be made. Unless of course he proposed before hand, in which case I might accept but then we'd be engaged for at least two years. Which might not be a bad thing. I don't know. Why am I talking about marriage????
He made me feel better. He answered all my worries. Though I'm still not sure I want to go through with this. I mean seriously, what if I meet someone else??? I am going to college in sixteen days. he's not going to be there to hold my hand every step of the way. The only way I talk to him now is through email. No phone conversations until he comes home in November. Even then, he's still in Florida. OH....I said in the email that when and if he ever comes home to Wisconsin that we'll only be seeing each other for a few hours tops. Well he said he didn't plan on staying for a few hours, he was thinking a few days, maybe a week. I'm like OMG! That would be amazing, but I don't see it ever happening. I'm sorry, I'm just thinking realistically. I'm not getting my hopes up for something that sounds too good to be true. I just don't see it happening. I will not believe it until it actually happens. And even then I still might not believe it. But we told each other we can worry about this when he gets home, we can talk about it then. So that's what I'm going to try and do. No promises though!
So it's been interesting. I am so tired. Man.....never doing that again. I love him so much and sometimes I wonder what I would do without him. Sometimes I can't see my future without him. But when he's so far way, even when he is home, it's hard to imagin being with him at all. Yes, we'll have to figure something out when he comes home. In the meantime I'm going to try and relax. I can freak out about other stuff. Like college!
Amanda