558th entry ~ I'm taking control now.
11:53 am
Well well well, where should I even begin this entry?? A lot of shit has happened in a week. And I mean a lot. Last Tuesday on the 31st I went Trick or Treating with Sam. It was fun. It was nice to get out of here for the time too. I can't seem to do that enough. Wednesday night is when this story will start.
Some may know my recent rebellion streak and it hasn't stopped at just alcohol. Wednesday morning I decided to go on Facebook and look up some guys to invite over that night that are in my hall. Well I found two, and sent two a message. I got a message back from one and we began talking. At first I thought he wasn't going to accept my offer but in the end he did. I was kind of shocked!! He came down for a visit that afternoon and it was kind of weird. He's a nice guy though, so I had no objection to that. He left and he continued talking to me on Facebook after his class. Went through the rest of the day and night came. He came over after ten thirty while I was online talking to Sam.
I had to set everything up. Yes, this was done in my room but still. So...I set the music up, I turned the TV down, turned the lights off except for our desk lights, closed the door, pulled the futon out, put some pillows on it and got busy taking off clothes. It was strange. I'm standing in front of him while he's sitting on the futon in my bra and panties saying "You have a half naked girl in front of you. What do you do?" He said "I don't know." haha He eventually put his hand out and i took hold of it and he brought me down. He started kissing me and then we layed down on our sides. His hand made a straight beline for my privates. haha it felt good though...what he was doing felt good. He had some troubles taking off my bra, but when he did he made a beline for those too. haha Things started happening and I tried taking off his boxers. Didn't get them fully off.
As great as everything was, nothing happened. We didn't actually have sex. He never entered me. We tried, believe me we tried, but nothing ever happened. He let go all over me and all over the futon. I never thought about the issue that might be until later. It was disappointing though. I was looking forward to it and I think I just got nervous. Maybe it's because he's a complete stranger to me. I don't know. But I was enjoying it. I never once regreted it. And I still don't. I made this choice for a reason, I don't know what it is though, but I made the choice so I'm not going to regret. He regrets coming to my room though. I asked him why he responded to my message then and he said "Because I was bored. I wanted to do it again." So now he's freaking out that I may be pregnant. I highly doubt it. I've told him not to worry about it but I'm sure he's still worrying about it. He was talking to me for awhile on Facebook but I haven't heard from him for a couple of days now. Maybe it's best that way. Though I'm still thinking about him. I thought about sending him a message this morning saying I want this to happen again. I did send him a message the day after this did happen and asked him if he would do this again. He said no, he couldn't let this happen again. Completely understand. I really do.
Someone asked me, "What about Brian?" My instant responce was "What about Brian?" He's home now. I know I haven't said that yet, but he's back in Florida. He said he's going to try and get a plane ticket back home today. I'm not going to hold my breath, but it would be wonderful to see him again. Maybe it would take my mind off of things. No, I'm sure it'd take my mind off of things. I'm not sure I'm going to tell him either. My thinking is I never actually had intercourse with this guy, though we tried, it never happened. So in my mind nothing happened so there is nothing to tell. Yes, a lot of kissing and I was butt ass naked in front of this guy, but nothing really happened. I know what he looks like naked, he knows what I look like naked. That's it! Oh yes, and I learned he orgasms very quickly. haha But truely, nothing happened. I don't know, maybe my thinking is wrong. One person has already told me so. I'll probably tell him at some point, but right now is not the right time. I was talking to him last night about what's going to happen in the future and I told him "I can't tell you right now what happened.." I think he's suspicious, and he asked me if it had something to do with Ryan, and I told him NO a million times. Nothing to do with Ryan. Though honestly I do wish something had happened with him, but it didn't and it won't. At least not while we're both sober. haha
I won't be seeing him anymore though. Something is going to change. I did tell Julie about what happened Thursday night. She knew, but I had to tell her anyway. She was okay with it, at least I thought. Then Friday came and things got really weird. I live my weekend and come back to school. She sent me a message Sunday night after ten o'clock and said I don't respect her stuff and that I should pay for what I did. Sure, I'll pay for the dry cleaning of the futon cover. No problem. I don't expect her to pay it anyway since I was the one who did it. I understand that completely. But then she said I never respect her stuff. WHAT!!! I never touch her stuff. That futon is her's but we share that. Kind of like the fridge and TV. The fridge is hers but we share that. The TV is mine but we share that. I started bawling my eyes out after I read that. I went over to Jenny's to talk and I was there until one in the morning. Didn't go to bed until one thirty. I was so upset. Yesterday we didn't say a word to each other. I was out of the room a lot yesterday and that was fine with me. Today she's gone home to work. Fine with me. I'm going to be leaving in the afternoon too.
So yesterday I went and talked to Dawn about it and she understands why I'd want another room. I think of this as my room because my name was on it before Julie's was. I went through three room mates before she came. So I think of this as my room and I'd like it if she leaves, but then I still have Ryan across the hall. When Dawn leaves I'm screwed. So I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to move to a different room in a different hall all togther. So Dawn and I went over to the hall directors yesterday and we talked about my options. I wanted to move into Fricker which is right next door and that's where Jenny lives, but I'm not going to. So now my other option is four dorms down from where I am now. I emailed two of the girls that I couldn't find on Facebook to see if they still have a single room or not. If they do and they seem like decent people, I could possibly be out of here by next week. I could've moved this week but I'm very busy this week. So yes, I'm moving out on Julie. I'm moving out on Ryan. I'm moving out on something that is familiar to me. I'm moving out on all the terrible shit that has happened to me while i've been here. Ryan was not my issue, but now Julie is mine. And I know that. I don't know if she knows I'm leaving or not, but she'll find out soon enough. Just need to get through this week then I should be okay. At least I prey to God I am.
So here's to my new fresh start....hopefully.
Amanda