562nd entry ~ Needing Mickey's help
2:52 pm
It always seemed when I first started this diary several years ago now that whenever I had an issue, this would be the first place I would come. I wouldn't go crying to my mom or my best friend at the moment, I would come here and pour my heart out to anyone who was willing to read it. I find it funny how time changes things. This is no longer the first place I'll come to, this might be a thought two weeks later. But this time I think I have been on top of it. Well it's only been four days, so I consider that on top of it.
The last entry was about the struggling conversation between Mr. B and I. I will say things have gotten a little better, but a little is about as much as I can say. Last nights events set me off on a frenzy that we were going to break up. I of course never told him this and probably never will. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I don't think he knows I'm a bit upset with him. It's for silly reasons, so that's probably why he doesn't know. Lets put some things into perspective here.
Sunday night I moved back to school, back to my amazing college life and got ready to kick my ass into first gear Monday morning. I was in bed around 10 pm after I got off webcam with Mr. B. Couldn't tell ya what we talked about however. Monday morning I needed to be up at 6:45 to be to my first class of the semester at 7:45. Honestly, Monday was easy to get up. I think I was super pumped to start over again. I got up, went to class when it was time, came back and got on the computer to do the normal computer stuff that I do. Thought about calling Mr. B around noon to see how his day was going, but decided against it. Not that he would care anyway. I waited patiently until Monday night when he got online to talk. We had a nice conversation, again of something I can't remember. But what I do remember is not leaving our conversation mad or upset or feeling like we never talked at all. Tuesday I got to sleep in until a whooping 7:45 but had to be to an 8:50 class. Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester are going to be busy and I've only got three classes those days! I guess Monday too because of my lab in the afternoon. But anyway.....went through Tuesday pretty good. Did some research online of what I could get him for Valentines Day and I found some pretty cool ideas, going with one in particular though. Tuesday night we get online after NCIS and the first thing he made me notice was that he was extremely exhausted. But then he also made a point of telling me he did absolutly NOTHING that day. I understand, doing nothing all day can make you tired because you are bored. Been there done that. But I was thinking by getting online to talk to me would be a good thing, wake you up a bit. Well about 30 minutes into the chat he fell asleep on me. He fell asleep while on webcam with me. My initial thought was being fucking pissed. I was talking when he fell asleep. It's not like we had a quite moment, no, I was actually talking. So that kind of pissed me off. So I got up and went to the bathroom and thought while peeing. Which I have been doing a lot lately...? So I came back to my room and he was still sleeping. Kind of made me mad, so I sent Jenny a message saying "HE FUCKING FELL ASLEEP ON ME!!" Wandered around the room a bit not wanting to sit there watching him sleep. He eventually woke up and put his had over the camera right away. Yeah dude, I already seen, too late. I came back and said "Good morning", and he said "Yeah, I'm sorry. Can't do anything about it now." I told him I wasn't mad but that I thought it was cute more than anything. He kinda grinned but made a sad puppy face. We left shortly after and I pretended to blow it off. I called Sam right after that.
Sam and I can talk about anything and everything and we do! We can talk for hours without noticing the time has flown by. That's just us. She is amazing that way. Her boy is in Iraq right now so we can talk about stuff that she can't talk to just anyone about. Well she had told me before hand that Seth had been known to fall asleep with her on the phone. So she told me to expect that eventually. Well I wasn't expecting it that night, but I got it anyway. I was mad at first, but then I had to think about Sam and what she would do and say and that's when I said no, this is cute! We talked until almost 11 that night. I needed to talk to someone after him. I hate going to be early now, but I refuse to go to bed at nine o'clock. So I hung up with Sam and hung up on that day.
Wednesday comes around and I have two classes but the day has to start way to early. Went to class, came back and pretty much did nothing most of the day, that is until I started reading my eye balls out of my socket. Something about this semester tells me we will be doing a LOT of reading!! After dinner that night with the girls, I came back to my room and continued reading. Around 7:30 I checked the computer and see Mr. B was already online. I'm like GREAT! So I get on and talk to him, dropping everything that I was doing. He tells me he's got an interview tomorrow at 4:15 at Lowe's. Good for you. Honestly I'm not excited about that, but more on that later. We talked until before 8:30 when he said he should get going because he doesn't want to be tired for his interview tomorrow. He said he had to be to work at 6:05, a whole 15 minutes before normal. So in order to get there 15 minutes earlier he thinks he needs to go to bed a whole hour earlier! What the fuck!! So I made a sly comment to him about his tiredness. I said "So you don't have a problem being tired for me every night?" First off, it took him awhile to get what I was saying, and then when he figured it out he said it was a slap across the face. Whether it was like that or not, he knew damn well I was right. He is always tired now, and yes I will give him so slack because I know what he does. Military will do that to you, but I guess I would expect him to be used to it by now. He has been doing this job for how long after all??? He can relax on the weekends but instead he's got to be busy. So it's his own damn fault that he's tired, I'm just having to pay the price for it. So I asked again when the interview was and he told me and he said he'll let me know how it goes. I said "You won't call me after the interview, you'll let me know tomorrow night." He kind of got pissy about that too, but again, I was right! The very few times he has done something that he said he would do, I have been shocked. So yes, I would be shocked if he called me before our conversation online tonight. I don't expect him to.
So again last night, I called Sam to chitchat. I was not going to bed at nine at night, even though I did have to be up early again. No biggy. And I still had a lot of reading to do, but I didn't care. We talked and talked and she made me realize a bunch of shit. She made me realize that I do need to go see Mickey again and see if she can help me fix this issue I've got with meds. I talked to mom today about it and she did say it is a genitic dissorder in our family, so I was screwed. haha! So I called and made an appointment for Monday afternoon to go see her. Haven't seen her for like a month now. Not bad but I'm sure it could be better. I was seriously saying stuff like I was going to break up with him but then if I did I would be so depressed and would probably kill myself. So yeah...time to go in again.
I'm really starting to wonder if he loves me like he says he does. I'm really wondering if I mean to him what he means to me. I wonder if when he told me that if he's not with me, he's going to be with nobody if he really meant it. I'm just not sure about a lot of stuff lately. I want to be with him but if he doesn't feel the same I would much rather find out now than 4 years from now. Might be weird in saying that but that's just how I am. So I've got some stuff to talk about. I don't want to go on without him but I honestly am not 100% sure anymore. This relationship has been the longest and hardest thing I have ever done before. And right now I'm getting stressed with the first week of school and needing to get my grades up otherwise I'm out of college. No pressure right?? haha!
Must go do something now. I'm getting depressed still thinking about this. Later
Amanda