563rd entry ~ Our biggest fight.
5:49 pm
Well to start I believe this diary will remained locked for the rest of the time that I have it. A lot of stuff went down between Brian and I last Friday that made me lock the diary for my safety and for him. There is some stuff that is written in this diary that I never intended him to see but I do not believe he seen it. Just a prevention method for my butt really.
Second week back at school. Very excited to be here, honestly. The first week back was a bit stressful since I had no idea what to expect. Going into Chemistry three times a week at 7:45 in the morning honestly has been the best thing for me. I used to be a morning person until I started having to close all the time at 11 pm. It seemed that I would remain up until after midnight and would wake up sometime after 10 am. But now I'm having to wake up at 6:45 three times a week and 7:45 two times a week, so I'm gaining my love for morning back quickly. It helps that around 7:45 the sun is already up and has been up for a few minutes. When I wake up at 6:45, at least for now, the sun isn't up yet. It would be really nice if I could see the sun rise from my room, but I can't. I can't even see it set, at least not yet. Maybe as the earth rotates through the season, I'll be able to watch the sun set from my dorm room window. I much perfer the sun set than sun rise. Something about the colors when it sets that aren't there when it rises.
Classes are going well actually. Much better than expected from me. When I kept looking at my schedule I was overwhelled. Yes, it can be a bit much from time to time since my English and Global Perspectives classes, we read for learning. Reading has never been my strong point, I learn better when someone teaches me. I'm getting through though. English we are going through a poetry unit and I have to have a poem memorized and recited on Thursday. I've just found the poem I want to do today. haha! That would be my fault. I've had so much reading to do for other classes that I just kept putting the poem finding off. It seems that I've got a pattern going here. The first homework I will do will be Math, then Global Perspectives and lastly will be English, if I do that at all. I never have Chemistry homework, except now I need to memorize a few elements. Helps that I remember some from my high school chem class. I had my first lab meeting yesterday and I'm not too sure about that. It's dominated by females which I find hillarious. The teacher is Indian, much like my math teacher is. I can understand my math teacher better though. :( But over all, everything is going well. Knock on wood that it stays that way.
Brian and I almost had a fall out Friday night. Thursday I wasn't in a good mood with anyone, just didn't feel like talking. I was sad because Wednesday he had a job interview and I knew that he was going to be getting this job. He's working at Lowe's for a second income which I don't know why he needs. He's got a truck payment but that's it! I've tried to voice my opinion on this but he doesn't seem to care. I guess he shouldn't, we're not married so it doesn't mean anything to me. Except he'll be working nights until nine and won't be home until 9:30 at the earliest so this will be taking time away from our talks. He doesn't understand why I'm worried that this will create even more distance between us. I am finally becoming okay with the distance between us but that is only because I can see and talk to him everyday on web cam. But with my schedule I need to be in bed by 10 o'clock everday and that's limiting our time to talk to just a few minutes a night. So I think I have the right to be concerned where this will take us.
Friday night however showed me something completely different to be worried about. I went home Friday afternoon around the normal time I would leave last semester. Now because I don't drag my computer home with me every weekend, I don't get the chance to go on messenger all the time to see if people are on. I decided to get on messenger though around 7:30 and seen that both Brian and Jeni were online. I don't have an issue with those two talking because I gave Jeni his screen name in the first place. Well I sent Brian a message saying "Hi, how was your day?" He didn't respond so I sent him another message saying "Not there?" Well he still didn't respond within five minutes so I just figured maybe he was doing something to his computer. Well 20 minutes later I sent him another message saying "I hope your really busy doing something and not just ignoring me." Well two minutes later he finally said something. I asked him again how his day was and all he had to say was "fine". I asked if he was excited for his interview tomorrow and he repsonded with "yes". I was getting kind of nervous then and asked "Don't want to talk?" and he just responded with "...." I went on to say "Please don't do this to me." and he responded with "So what am I doing??? huh" This is what started the first war between us.
Eventually he went on and told me after me getting extremely upset and pissed and worried that something was wrong, that he had this strange feeling that I was with another guy. He said he just couldn't swallow the idea that I was do something like that and said he was sorry for putting me through that. We kept talking about it and how much he was grateful that I had told him the truth, that I had been with no-one else. Then he went back on the topic again. This time it was more intense. At one point he said we were done. I got scared shitless and had to fight for my life. I was so exhausted. I couldn't fight it anymore, but we won, I hope. Haven't really talked about it since then. I've wanted to talk about it, but he's not interested in saying anything about it.
So lets prey that all goes well.
Amanda