565th entry ~ My guard is up because of you.
12:13 pm
I hate that I seem to always write in here because I'm sad or depressed or some major event happened. Although Monday was just because I was bored. I'm currently bored, but I've got a million and a half things going through my mind.
I'm not sure Brian and I will last forever like we both believe. This last weekend Brian brought up the idea to me of transfering from Whitewater to UW-Barron County for next semester. Not like I hadn't thought of it before, but I was happy he was the one to bring it up. I had already brought up to him that I would transfer to Florida if I could. I was originally thinking UW-Eau Claire but they are mostly for science majors, so there is no way that would work. Then he brought up UWB and I was like "O, cool." So of course I went and checked it out and it seemed like a great idea. I had my advising meeting yesterday and I talked to her about the steps to go through and transfer from a four year to a two year. She said it wasn't too hard, so that made me happy. Now I don't want to do anything without Brian's approval (seems to be the trend with EVERYTHING lately) so I wrote him an email when I got back from my appointment. Well he didn't read it until we were online talking already last night. I went and got ice cream and came back and he was still reading. Didn't bother me. Although it did bother me when I could hear him take a deep breath in and a deep breath out while he was reading it. I knew that was bad news right from the get-go. I was talking to Jeni to keep me occupied with something other than him when he started talking. I only caught parts of it. He mentioned something about he wouldn't know anything by April and he'd want to be there first before we decided to have me move in. well he's not coming back until June or July so that gives me no time at all to do anything if I even wanted to. He said he couldn't see a problem with it, but I could tell right away from his voice that he thought it was a bad idea. Which is what pissed me off because he was the one in the first place to think of it. Little fucker. So I've been slightly upset about this. I just don't understand why. Why he can tell me that I could transfer my job up there, why I could transfer my education up there, why I could move in with him, but then he really meant nothing by it. I wish he would just come out and say, no, I think this is a bad idea. But instead he hides it which makes me even more mad and I just have to figure out what he really means from the tone in his voice.
I just don't understand. Awhile ago even he mentioned that he was going to be moving back to this house and that someday he could picture me living there with him. Now we've got the chance and he has no interest in it. He says he would do anything to spend more time with me. Now we've got the chance and he doesn't seem to care. Whatever, I'll move on eventually. Maybe I'll move on from him. He's the only reason I'm down so much. Him and his stupid second job because he needs money so bad. Yeah whatever. I need a second job more than he does but I can't do that because I'm needing to spend more time on school work. I'm thinking I won't be here next year anyway. If he doesn't want me to go to UWB I'll just transfer to URock and live at home and work at Penney's more. I just hate that he's done this once again. I mean yes I can be understanding, that as of now we haven't even been together for a year and it might be too soon. But at the same time I wouldn't be moving there to start our lives together, it would just be to spend more time with one another, go to school and work up there as well. We're not getting married for christ sakes! Then once I'm done with my schooling there I'd move back to Whitewater. But I guess that's never going to happen so why do I care so much? Because he brought the idea up in the first place and now he doesn't want to do it. This is why my guard is so high. Because of him. And once again, I choose to believe something he said and in the end I got hurt.
I don't think he realizes what he does to me. Or does he not care? No, I can answer that, he does care, a lot, he just doesn't realize how stupid he's being. I'll get over this eventually, just might take awhile and a relationship to get through it.
Amanda