566th entry ~ First Valentine's Day and we're seven states apart.
1:46 pm
Happy Valentine's Day! Our first together and we can't even be together on this day. But again, what else is new? Four days after this day a year ago is when I got my first message from him on myspace. Now, he's hardly ever on myspace and I hardly see his writing on the computer. We talk on webcam every night at different times, and it used to be enough for me, but now it's not. His first phone call to me when he got back home meant the world to me, and now I hardly think about it. Except of course right now I am. Happiest day of my life. I haven't had many happy days lately. Everything I think about lately is sad stuff, or stuff I wish would happen but won't. Like spending time with my love on this day. Now, this day just sucks.
I have never been a mooshy person, so Valentine's Day has never been my holiday. I never understood it. It's just another holiday to spend money at the department stores on stuff nobody will like. Except if you are smart and know what to buy that special someone. I just sent Brian two cards because I figured spending $50 on him would be pointless and I could just save the money for something else. Like my bills! Anyway, I remember as a kid we would go around in our homeroom putting Valentine's Day greetings in each others handmade pouches. Some with candy, some without. of course as kids, we didn't care about the ones without the candy. We just opened and tossed those. But the ones with candy, we opened and tossed those and then ate the candy! I would always get so much candy on that day. Would last me awhile too. It's kind of funny to think about that now. Just the silly thigns we do as kids. Now that we're 'grown ups' we send our loves real cards with really expensive items. Sometimes. Cheap candy doesn't do the trick anymore...at least in most cases. Brian should be getting my cards sometime today while I will get his maybe Friday because he forgot what my school address is. Whether I stick around long enough to get them on Friday is beyond me. Probably not though. He says that when he comes back to WI for a visit he's going to bring me my v-day gift then. He says he's going to get me flowers. I have told him several times I do not like red roses. I have never liked them, I'm not a fancy person, and really, they stink. So then he came up with the smart idea to maybe get me yellow or pink roses. Is he really that stupid??
This is the other thing that is bothering me. Everything you see on TV today is going to have something to do with love and this holiday. Everywhere you look, you are going to be reminded that you are either single or taken, or just alone because the one you're taken by is not here. Not by his choice, I know. But it's bothering me. I know we wouldn't do much today, maybe do dinner or something like that, but it just sucks that our first Valentine's Day we can't even be together. He's in Florida and I'm in Wisconsin sitting in my dorm room with a cold. :( He's got to work tonight at Lowe's, so I won't get to talk to him until after 9:30. He called me a little after 11:30 today to wish me a happy v-day and to see how things were going. I feel bad because I haven't been in a happy go lucky kind of mood lately. I'm sick, it's cold outside, and I can't see him. I'm depressed.
He says he is flying home March 2nd which is a Friday I believe, and will be down to see me either that Tuesday or Wednesday, depending on his schedule. But the problem is, the very next day that he comes down, he's going to be leaving to go back home again. So what is the point of the visit?? Honestly, he's going to come down to have sex with me, spend the night and then leave again. Swear to God that's all he cares about now that we've done it a couple times. Maybe not, but that's how I see it. When he said he was going to come down and see me for two days, what he didn't mention was he would be down late afternoon and then leaving the next afternoon for home. So does that really count as two days?? Eh, no, not really. It makes me sad that that's all the time he will be here. He's here Friday through the next Sunday, and all he can come down and see me for is one day? Somehow I see that as unfair. But I would never tell him that. It makes me sad to think though. He mentioned something last night about us going out to a fancy resturant so I could wear one of those dresses I sent him pictures of. I keep telling him I'm just going to return them because they'll never be worn. Truth, they will never be worn but I'm not going to return them. They can just sit in my closet and collect dust. Oh well. Brian is not a fancy person which I'm okay with, but I guess I just bought those with the idea of something nice in mind. I guess I was wrong. I felt like a terrible person bringing that up to him one night, that I wanted him to take me out somewhere that I could wear one of those. He never will, I know, but I wish he would.
He tells me all this stuff he would want to do when he comes down, but I know he never will. He says the first thing he wants to do when he sees me is give me a massage. Wonderful, but it'll never happen. That's what I wanted to do when I was donw there, but it never happened. I wish it did, but it never did. he said he wants to fix my web cam thing so he can hear me better on his computer. Won't happen. He says he wants to install a CD player and auto unlock in my car, but it won't happen. He says he wants to find a new use for whipped cream and chocolate...won't happen. I hate that he says stuff but nothing ever happens. He's got a piss poor memory and I hate it. I guess I could bring it up to him while he's here, but I always hate bringing stuff up to people. I feel like the bad one if I suggest something.
In my last entry I think I mentioned the fact that the living with him thing kind of blew up in both of our faces. Well he believes that's the only thing bothering me right now. He's pretty silly. Yes, it still does bother me to some extent, but why should I let it bother me because I can't do anything about it. He suggested it, then said no after I did the research, so why would I worry about something that will never happen?? He always gets this sad face whenever I say stuff like that. I don't get it!!! Two nights ago I had just gotten back to my room from the shower when he called. I told him I was in my bath robe and he really liked that image. Well he brought it up last night that he liked to think about me in my robe or towel. I told him that's all it's ever going to be, an image. It's true. Nothing will ever come of it. Yes he has seen me in my robe, but 9 times out of 10 it's always going to be an image from the one time that he has seen me that way. He got sad again when I said that last night, that's all its ever going to be, an image. He doesn't understand or get where I come from saying nothing is ever going to change when he comes home. He still believe something is going to change when he moves back to Wisconsin. yes, he'll be in the same state but that is it. Nothing more is going to change. he's going to have his life up there, I'm going to have my sad live down here. I'll be down here the whole time wishing I could be up there with him. I would do anything in the world to spend more time with him but I honestly don't think he would do the same. he kind of showed me that when he said no, I don't think we should do that. yes I understand where he was coming from, he'd just be moving in and would like some time to himself before he made such a huge jump like that. I get it. But why would you suggest something like that to me if you never had the intention of taking action on it?? He's always saying he'll be home sometime in June or July. well my honest opinion on that one is it'll be closer to August. Why...just because that is how things go in our relationship.
Last night I started thinking that i needed to start distancing myself from him. I am in ways, because of his second job, but maybe more so that i am doing now. He doesn't see the pain that this is causing me. I can't be with him as it is, but lets throw a second job into the mix. Thanks. he always says this is how it has to be right now, when we talk about the distance, and I always say "No, this is how it's always going to be." I just wish he would see it like I do. I sometimes wonder why I do this to myself. I wonder why he doesn't see how bad this hurts me to be in a relationship like this. A relationship that i can't show off to people. A relationship that I can't become comfortable in because as soon as I do, it just leaves. I have to be okay with the fact that he's in Florida, and I think I am for the most part. But when he keeps saying things will change when he gets home, it just makes me more upset than happy. He will have weekends off and I will be working weekends. So I don't see how things will change. i just wish he would stop telling me that because it makes me upset.
I know he can't promise me anything, but I wish he would. I wish he would promise me something, anything, but he can't. This sucks. My first relationship, my first serious relationship, and I can't see him whenever I want to. Someone please slap me and tell me why I do this to myself?
Well my wrist is hurting so I'm going to take a break from the keyboard. Tootles.
Amanda