567th entry ~ Realization finally happened last night.
5:48 pm
Valentine's night sucked. Besides staying in my room all day, I also stayed in my room all night. Only getting out to get food if needed or go to the bathroom. I heated up a bowl of Progressive Beef and Vegatable soup (which later my tummy got upset from) and did some homework and watched A Cinderella Story on ABCFamily. What a sad evening.
I did have one person put a bright side of my sad day. A very unexpected person actually. Ryan. The guy that I moved away from. The guy that I had nothing but problems with. Yes, that Ryan kept me somewhat awake last night. I woke up yesterday morning to find that he had added me as a friend again on Facebook. I had deleted him in the first place, but I won't tell him that. We were just throwing a few messages back and forth most of the night until I went to bed. it was an odd surprise to hear from him again, but a very welcome one at that. Now will Brian ever hear about this? More than likely no. Brian doesn't need to know everything that goes on in my life, and it's not like I'll be sitting down to dinner with Ryan anytime soon. I think we're just going to keep it at a Facebook thing.
A little after nine I went and took my shower. Brian called me shortly after 9:30 like he said he would. We chatted for about 8 minutes but I was getting sick of the dead airspace between us so I told him to get online when he gets home. Well he didn't get home until a little after ten, but we still talked until after 11. He finally realized something that I have been saying for the past three months. He's been talking for awhile now that he'll be coming home in June or July, possibly August. Well last night he finally told me he's hoping for July, but he'll have to be home by August because that's when harvest starts. For the past three months I have been saying that nothing is really going to change when he gets home. Because nothing really will change. He has thought this whole time that I'm just being negative when in fact I'm being realistic. So I pretty much said "You told me how harvest season works. You will be busy with that, plus going to class like you said you wanted to. I will be here working and going to school. That leaves us no time for each other." He was kind of blown away when he realized I had been right the past three months and he had just been a dick weed having hope for something that never would happen. I can't believe it took him this long to realize that though. Harvest season will usually go until November, working six or seven days a week even. It's not a small job. Working six or seven days a week plus going to school if he choose too will leave us no time to see each other. We're going to be exactly the same if not more worse than we are right now. Few days every couple months. That's about it. Yes it pisses me off that I have been right all along, but what else am I supposed to do about it? I wish he could do something to change what's going to happen but he can't. My worst fear my come true though. That with him being so close but so busy, it might just tear us apart. It hasn't so far because I haven't just given up yet. But with all the stuff that I'm going through now, plus the sudden realization that nothing really will change when he comes home, the end might just been sooner than we think.
Something else also go found out last night too. Jenny and him had both told me a few months back that he had taken the whole week off for spring break. Well I figured if he took the whole week off, I might as well take it off as well. Well last night I find out that no, he can't take the whole week off, he can take up to three days but he doubts more than that. The reason I found this out was I mentioned how many days he wanted me down there. I couldn't believe he'd want me down there all seven days, and if he did, what would we do all seven days? We were getting bored on day three that I was there and had to leave. So really? So now we're lookin at me doing a Friday through Wednesday spring break. Which in my mind might as well not go down, except I have been talking about this damn vacation enough that I want to go down. I guess I'm more pissed right now than anything though. I hate how he changes his story sometimes. That's what really throws me over board. So I'm not sure anymore. And what's sad is that I'm not going to purchase a ticket until about 20 days out, well that's like a week or two away. Wonderful.
I hate being depressed but that's what I honestly think I'm going through again. I don't even think it's a seasonal thing like they always say this time of the year is. I think with all the shit I've been put through lately that it's the real deal. I should go talk to Mickey again except I have to want to talk to her but I don't want to. I go to class and come back and sit in my room all day. Oh joy.
Well I'm off to go grab some food. What..I have no idea.
Amanda