568th entry ~ I fucking hate my life.
2:17 am
I hate that it is two in the morning but I can't sleep but I'm yawning my head off now. Makes sense right? I can't sleep simply because of Brian. I called him five times tonight after we got offline, left him four messages and got no responce from him. My guess is he was asleep and never heard his phone right or vibrate, which in responce makes me mad because I wanted to talk. What the fuck is the point of telling me to call you whenever and you don't answer??
I seriously think we're going to break up. Tonight I told him spring break more than likely won't happen because I can't afford it, which I can't and it sucks. I wish he would figure something out but I know he won't and can't, so I'll move on eventually. I am so depressed it's not funny. This fucking sucks. My mother gets to go to Florida but I can't. Yes she needs the time away desperately, but still. It fucking sucks. I so badly just want to say fuck it and put the money on the credit card but I can't. Number one the damn bill hasn't fucking come yet and number two, I don't have the money to pay for it once it's on the credit card. This was the only thing I have been looking forward to for about the past year, and now I can't do it. So it was almost as if I hadn't gone down in January we might be broken up because of too much time between visits or I could've gone down there for five days instead of the three I was in january for spring break. I fucking hate my life.
I have been getting so pissy with him the past few days because I've got this thing I want to talk to him about except I want to do it in person when he comes down to see me for one whopping day. I'm pissed about that too. Because now spring break won't happen, that leaves us a huge gap between the times we can see each other. We might as well break up. I don't see this working out any time soon. He doesn't want me living with him which means we'll never get to see each other with his schedule and mine. So makes no sense to be in a relationship where neither of us can see one another. Might as well try and find other people. I wouldn't want to but it's lookin like the best option. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me though. And he is the one for me, but I just don't see how this is going to ever work out.
I don't know where else to go with this because I've already done a little crying and I don't want to cry. I need sleep cuz I've got three classes tomorrow.
Amanda