570th entry ~ A new chapter in this diary
9:32 pm
As I'm sure the obvious states, it has been a long time since I posted anything in this diary. A lot has changed as well with me, I'm almost not the same girl I once used to be. I suppose one could say I have matured into a beautiful 20 year old women who has a bright future ahead of her.
Boy if you only knew.
I believe if I looked correctly my last entry was dated back in Feb 2007. I will start out saying absolutely nothing about me and my life then is the same now. I am serious. Oh, well I suppose my name hasn't changed, or where I grew up and those funny details, but every other thing has changed. Even my favorite color has changed. Once used to be purple, now more of a tinkerbell green color I prefer.
This diary used to be filled with a whole lot of people and the most famous one being "Mr B." Ah yes, the fun times I had with Mr B. Sadly to say however, Mr B decided to walk out of my life in August 2007 out of no apparent reason. Still to this day I wonder what happened. It took me awhile to recover, and I'm not 100% certain I am recovered from everything he did to me. He put me through a silent treatment much like he did in January of that year too. This time though it was permanent. Being too that he was my first love, I'm sure a young girl doesn't get over that quickly. I did move on quickly though. I had a quick three month relationship that had technically started before the silent treatment Mr B gave me. But like I said, it was quick and nothing much to say about it. There are certain things I miss about the relationship, but for the most part it was all sour. And of course when things started going sour with him I found a new guy I could confide in and rely on to always be willing to talk to. This new guy I found I am still presently with, almost a year later. Though things are headed downhill fast even though we are living together. I can't seem to get over the feeling that I am more of a wife to him than a girlfriend. You know how things are often so amazing and exciting while you are dating, and then once you get married that feeling tends to wear off after about a year or so into the marriage? At least in most cases it does, not all. I get this feeling now after almost a year of dating. I think this is a bad thing.
We decided to move in together after about six months of dating in May this year. Everything went fast, too fast now that I look back on it, but at the time I was convinced things were going to be okay. I thought I could see him as the real deal. I mean after all, we started sleeping together the second date (almost the first) and the words "I love you" were spoken out of his mouth on date 3. Too fast for the average person, yes, oh yes. But of course, in my fashion, I didn't seem to question things until after I signed the lease and had no way out of it.
I think part of the reason for my rash thinking was to escape quickly out of my families’ home into something more 'safe'. My parents are presently divorcing after 23 years of marriage. I blame my father fully for this bump in the road. He had hip replacement surgery back in November 2007 and ever since then he's been a little different. Very depressed all the time it seemed at home. November I also happened to be unemployed so I could spend time at home helping him with therapy. Christmas was not fun in 2007 either. February 16th they celebrated 23 years of marriage with no celebration, but a few days later father announced his plans to file for divorce. I of course already knew everything that was going on because he had confided everything to me and not his own wife. Mom was completely shocked and seemed to be concerned about how my brother and I were taking things, as if we were children suddenly seeing our parents parting ways. At the time my brother was in his senior year of high school so this was not perfect timing for that, but we were both at the age that we understand stuff happens. No need to treat us like children. Eventually the shock wore off and then things just started getting uncomfortable around the house since both parents were still under one roof, still sharing a bed. Eventually however, mom got sick of it and moved out the first weekend in June to a new city, to a new life on her own. I had moved out the previous week so things quickly changed around the house for the two men left living there.
I do feel because of my home life falling apart around me I made the decision to move into an apartment with my boyfriend irrationally. I needed to find an escape and since I cannot afford a place to live on my own, I guess I figured this would be easier to do. Plus I had figured maybe things would work out, maybe I was stressed about the relationship between him and I because of my home life. As it turns out though this was not the case. Things in my opinion have no changed between us in the time we have been together. I believe things get strained more and more everyday now, especially now that I lost my job again. I got permanently laid off by my employer August 15th, the one that I started at as a temp in December and got hired on St Patties Day this year. I was devastated. It was a very well paying job and the reason for it was not a good one in my opinion. So here I sit, a month later, still unemployed, watching the stock market crash everyday, watch the Federal Govn't take over banks because they are imploding because of stupid greedy choices. I can't get a job to save my life and I refuse to go back to retail making $7 an hour. I have yet to receive an unemployment check from anyone too so I constantly have to pull money out of my savings account. Thank goodness I have savings to fall back onto. Also though by being home it's putting more strain on the relationship. I can only stand so many minutes in a room with him until I get sick of it and need to go elsewhere. I spend a lot of time in the bedroom on my computer lately. I try and read but that doesn't always work when I find CNN interesting.
He wonders what can make me happy but I get tired of explaining myself. I feel like I'm talking to a wall sometimes. I tell him but then he doesn't do, so why should I have to keep explaining myself. I can't always give him an honest answer too because sometimes I don't always know why I'm sad or what he can do to make me happy. Just don't treat me like a wife. Treat me like you want to be with me, like I mean something to you an that you don't take me and what I do for you for granted. I know he's the one with the job right now and he's got an internship too so he's working extra hard. And I appreciate that but I'm not sure he knows this. Sometimes too, you just can't make a person be happy in the relationship when they aren't happy being with the other person in the relationship. You know, like a two way street.
More on this topic later.
Amanda