572nd entry ~ State of shock and denyal
2:00 pm
I have a confession. You know how everyone this day in age has either a facebook or myspace account and if they don’t have one they’ve at least heard of the thing? Well I have both, a Facebook and Myspace account. Prefer Facebook though. Anyway, I sometimes check up on certain people in my life that are on ‘ex’ list from time to time. Today I wanted to check up on Mr B and I got quite a surprise. He’s now involved with someone else.
Immediately after I saw this picture of him and this new girl I went into a state of shock. I hyperventilated. I cried hysterically. My heart pounded so fast and so hard I thought I was going to pass out.
I’m still in shock.
You would wonder though after over a year of him and I not being in a relationship would I react this way. I’ve moved on, with two other guys actually.
But I really haven’t moved on.
It’s tough, and people tell me all the time that getting over your first love is the hardest thing anyone can do. I’m starting to think it’s damn near impossible. You start to have all these ‘what if’s’ that run through your mind. What if he was really the one for me? What if I hadn’t been so push would we still be together? What if maybe had I just given him a little bit more time things would’ve worked out?
I’ve been told though this can take a toll on your health after awhile. Here’s my thinking. I think if I were in a successful and happy relationship presently, this wouldn’t bother me so bad. But I’m not and it has. I have about two hours to get my act together before the present boyfriend comes home from work. Then do I tell him or no? I’m sure me telling him how upset I was to find out my first love is now in a relationship won’t hurt our already damaged relationship anymore.
I still can’t believe it. He’s in a relationship with someone else. And she’s really not that pretty. And she calls him honey. Gross.
It seems to me nothing can go right in my life. I am unhappy, unemployed, sad as hell, depressed as hell, and just ready to leave this earth. And then I find this out. And I have nobody to talk to because everyone is at work or school.
I’m crying again.
Amanda