574th entry ~ Happy October.
9:40 pm
Welcome October. Hello Wednesday. Fall has officially arrived here in Wisconsin as well. I believe we are expecting frost by Saturday. Yippie!
I do apologize for the lack of writing lately. I’ve been secretive about this diary because he does not know I have it. Well, if he were smart he would know, but he is not, therefore he does not know. I’m mean, I know. Alright, here’s the recap as best as I can remember.
Yesterday was September 30th. It was my dads 46th birthday. It was also the day my parents divorce was finalized. My parents are officially divorced. Weird thought actually. I called mom last night to talk, mostly about my day, but that never actually happened. We talked about her and how she was doing and how my brother and I are no longer allowed to talk about our father to her unless it’s a direct issue between him and I. I guess I understand that. It helps too that I’m not in close contact with my father anyway. So today is the first day of my mothers single life for awhile. I’d like to hope she can find someone to make her happy but I’m not holding my breath. I think we just need a fresh start. I like Florida?
Continuing on yesterday, I drove to downtown Milwaukee to see my therapist. I believe I’ve mentioned her in here before by name, but I’m going to chose not to now. You will just know her as my therapist. Anyway, I drove to downtown by myself which scared the daylights out of me. Area I’ve only been to maybe twice in my life and have never driven. So what happened? Well I could have very easily totaled my car yesterday but by the grace of God and my grandmother watching over head, I did not. I literally, almost totaled my car. You know how people always comment that they came within 17 feet of hitting someone but they say it was unbelievably close? Yeah, this is not like that. What did I do? I was lost so I was paying attention to the street signs and not the actual signs I needed to be paying attention to; stop lights. I ran a red light. I ran a red light while there was oncoming traffic. FYI: Very bad idea. I must’ve had the red light and the other side had the green arrow. I kept on going, two vehicles were turning, I swerved to dodge them and realized once I was past what had happened. The image still haunts me and I can’t believe I did that.
The meeting went well once I got there in one piece. We talked about the new developments between this boyfriend and I as well as the past ones. We talked about how my past relationships and how they went about, plus my father in my childhood and how I’m pretty much screwed. I already knew that, but I guess it just reconfirms to me. Because of my past, it’s going to be hard for me to completely have trust and faith in a relationship being successful. I’m ‘dark and twisty’ as Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy says.
The boyfriend and I have been on rocky ground more so now than ever. He does not understand where I’m coming from when I complain that I’m not happy with how things are going. So then we fight and then like tonight, he made me dinner. It was real thoughtful, but I don’t want this to be a continuing habit. We fight, and then he makes up. Not the kind of relationship I want.
Well I’ve lost the ambition to do this once again so I’m going to go kick him to bed since he’s already asleep on the couch as he has been since about eight. I bought the new Nicholas Sparks book today as well. So I’m reading that now. I’ll be back tomorrow to post more. Maybe? Haha! Night ladies and gents.
Amanda