581st entry ~ Receipt For Happiness.
5:26 pm
Happily, my big day is over. It’s in the past, no going back to change anything. Sadly though, I cannot go back and change anything. It was quite possibly the worst birthday ever. Who celebrates their 21st by staying inside all day doing house chores and cooking? And yes, I didn’t even get a dinner out of the whole day. I figured at least he could’ve done this for me but no such luck. Honestly, I need to learn how to pick out more thoughtful guys. Well he did get me a GPS system which was totally unexpected. I’m not quite sure I’m going to accept it though. We’ll see.
Today I journeyed outside to the library to look at magazines and check out a few books. I’m going to update my HTML knowledge and maybe make my own site! I’ve done similar things before here on Diaryland with my page, but I wouldn’t know where to start anymore. It’s amazing how the brain forgets things after time.
Random thought: I finally got a “Happy Birthday” from my friend overseas via email today. Thanks, but I’m still upset. She asked me to respond and she’d get it this weekend. I think not.
While I was on my favorite website today; Facebook, I seen my ex’s sister had commented on a picture of him and his new girl. It still makes me vomit in my mouth that she calls him “honey”. Must be nice to be head over heals in love with your boyfriend. I knew that once, then he trampled over my heart a million times. I’d beware if I were her. He’s got a back track record. Anyway, she is apparently in farming. So I’m guessing they are a perfect match for each other. Though I still cannot get over the fact that she’s really not that pretty. He’s with someone not so pretty, I’m with someone not so pretty; just makes me giggle. Oh how I hate him yet still obsess over him. When will this stop?
I think I’m about two seconds away once again from a mental breakdown. Not because of the first ex, but because of everything in general. My birthday sucking, my feelings for the boy sucking, my feelings for the first ex still existing, me not sleeping at all still; mental breakdown shortly. I do try and believe in the words “No point dwelling on the past..” but sometimes it’s hard. I always wonder if things had somehow gone different if I would presently be this unhappy in my life. My therapist however tells me to stop idealizing him because we never spent much time together that there is no way what I think could actually be true. But what if? My brain is a never ending muscle of question. I’m pretty sure that’s a bad thing.
I need to find something to make me happy in life. What can make me happy in life? Friends make me happy. I do need some of those. Oh, I know, I can make a receipt for happiness. Yes!
Mix and enjoy bliss!
Amanda