583rd entry ~ Someones point of view on me.
6:35 pm
I have a huge desire tonight to write in this diary. Something was done and said today that made me quite frustrated, but I’m sure not as frustrated as the other person was. I do apologize for being selfish sometimes. I think it happens to the best of us.
While doing my household chores today I was off and on checking the status of my messengers to see if anyone interesting was on. Today my foreign friend decided to grace me with her presence online. I forget who IMd first, but the conversation died quickly. I went and occupied my time away from the computer for a bit before coming back to see that nothing had been said from the other side of the sea. I was a little frustrated by this seeing that it has been quite some time now that we’ve gone without talking. So I threw a random question out there and after about five minutes of staring at a blank screen, she replied. I wrote back my response from her question and waited for a response. It got to the point that I was waiting for ten minutes without her saying anything, so I said screw it, I’m leavin. I’m not going to sit there and wait for you to either tell me you are busy or for you to make conversation when I have other things I could be doing. So what do I normally do when I am a little frustrated and want to leave a point with the other person? I of course write a little but detailed note stating my frustration but don’t make it appear too bitchy to the naked eye. I click send and then I sign off.
Within a few hours of course though I get an email from this person stating her frustration with me and so on. She pointed some things out to me that I guess I’ve never realized about myself, but I also wondered why she would wait until now to point such things out. Don’t good friends always tell each other the truth all the time? Or are there just certain things you cannot share with your friends for fear of hurt or resentment later on? This must be the case because I’m pretty sure she would’ve told me this a lot sooner had it been important for her to vent.
At one point in this lengthy email she states I criticize everyone and that I probably do it to make myself feel better. Huh, I guess I’ve never looked at myself that way. Honestly, I think she’s got a point. I do tend to make fun of people, but I don’t do it to everyone. The one person I tend to do it to is the one I’m living with, and I do that because I truly believe he could benefit from someone giving him some life changing pointers. As in; how to fold the laundry, how to properly wash the dirty dishes to clean, how to cook something properly. I’m pretty sure those are things that are needed in life. But at the same time I cannot make him do things the way I want him to, which is why I give him a hard time. I have this mentality that it’s my way or no way. Everyway but mine is correct. That’s the mentality that I have and I believe I’ve always been that way. I’m not sure I can change that either. This is why I start to think that maybe I am better off on my own. I shouldn’t have to put up with other people’s crap because it makes me pissed off, but other people shouldn’t have to put up with my anal retentiveness. I realize this!
My after thoughts once I was done reading it were shock and sadness. I expected an email like that out of her for the comment I left her, but it also made me sad too that she said some things that she said. I don’t intestinally try to hurt people, but because I can be so stuck on myself sometimes I don’t realize what my words or actions can do. I am in therapy for a reason. This however has not been a part of ME that has been brought up in my sessions though. Nobody has ever come up to me and told me how I treat people except maybe my mother. Even then she doesn’t say it like that. I may have to address this at a later date however.
Moving on. I spent my day being a housewife once again. This type of lifestyle wouldn’t bother me if it were just me. Instead I have to clean up after him and the messes he makes. Yes I can be messy sometimes, but not like him. Apparently he is okay with there being wax on the coffee table that he put there a couple months ago. Today however I got sick of it and I picked it off. I also polished the table up. Now it looks very nice, but of course he wouldn’t notice this. I also did the laundry which once again crap came out of his pockets. I told him I’m fed up with it and the next time it happens I’m done. He’ll be doing his laundry all by himself. I’m tired of living with a two year old. It sucks.
It was kind of a shitty day. That email didn’t help. It wasn’t a bad day outside though. Quite cool, but it was nice. Spent some time outside cleaning out the vacuum cleaner. Haha! These days tend to blend into one another. I’m getting sick of doing the same thing over and over. I try and change little things up here and there, but it doesn’t equal out. I need a job but unfortunately it’s not easy to come by like the boy would like to think. He’s getting frustrated because I’m not applying as much as I used to. He doesn’t understand why either and I get sick of explaining crap to him. He should be happy with my time home right now because that means I can cook better meals and clean more than he does. So now all he has to do is come home and sleep.
Well this entry wound up being a bit more spastic than I thought, but I’m going to post it now. Plus Survivor is on. Yeah!
Amanda