584th entry ~ This is where the boy gets discussed.
10:28 pm
Happy Saturday! Actually I thought today was Sunday, so I guess I should be happy it’s Saturday. Guess it doesn’t matter because Monday I still won’t have a job to go to. In the words of Dr Christina Yang from Grey’s: Me So Sad.
Random thought: The boy has been on Facebook for over two hours talking to some girl. I’ve seen the name before and she has something to do with speed skating, I think. I may come back and further discuss my concerns about this.
Something else about the boy that bothers me is the fact that he has this laptop now and I have no idea why he needed to purchase one other than it being a complete impulse buy. Or maybe he’s trying to rub it into my face that he still has a job? He will sit on the couch for endless hours surfing the internet on it when his desktop computer sits not even five feet in front of him. So is it just a lazyass thing to do or is there something more intriguing about this laptop? I can still be nosy when he’s not looking and see what he’s doing. This is how I know he’s been on Facebook for a long time. I was on my hands and knees this evening cleaning the floor with soap and water (stains) and he is sitting on the couch playing around on his computer. The boy acts like he’s never seen a computer before nor has he ever played with the internet before. I don’t get it. I personally hate laptops. The keyboard is all funky and I cannot operate it at lightning speed like I can with my ‘old fashioned’ desktop.
But in all fairness and to make myself feel better: My monitor is bigger than his. :)
I had a fun time in bed last night not sleeping. He decided to start falling asleep on the couch so I kicked him to bed. Within the hour I climbed in next to him and immediately noticed he was snoring. Not the loud kind of snoring that he does, but more like the nose is plugged and he’s stubborn and won’t do anything about it. So I hit him to wake him up and tell him to shush. This of course did nothing and by four this morning I had hit him three different times to tell him to shut up before I gave up and kicked myself to the couch. How is this fair one may ask? I have yet to figure this out. The couch of course is no better than our floors which feel like wood and cheap carpet lay down. With the couch and living however come two loud bunny rabbits. One normally sleeps in the bedroom with us, and the other in the living room. The cage in the living room however is made of medal which with an overweight rabbit does not mean good news. By five I kicked her out to her play pen which she continued with the noise making for about another half hour. The next thing I knew it was seven in the morning and the sun was coming up. Yeah for no sleep.
By 8:30 I kicked him out of bed. Yes I am mean. He wanted to get up at 8 to be at some competition for speed skating, and it was now 8:30 so I was kind enough to let him sleep in before I rudely booted his ass out. My turn to sleep now. I did so until around 11.
I kept thinking last night while laying there next to the obnoxious one; why me? What have I done in life that has meant I get this guy for a relationship? I often wonder if God is punishing me for not believing in him, or if it is someone with much more authority playing a very rude practical joke on me. If that is the case, please stop. Why do I get the broken guy? The guy who snores in bed, the bad lover, the bad cook, the bad housemaid, the bad company, and of course the one with the receding hairline. Why me? I often wonder what it was in those first few months that made me want to jump into sharing an apartment with him for a year. The funny thing is I cannot remember. I do know when we signed the lease my head was screaming NOOOOO the entire time and I really wish I had listened to my head instead. He often asks me why I make fun of him so much and I simply say because he is not perfect. He is not like me, he does not do things like me, therefore he is not perfect and it’s the perfect excuse to make fun of him and diminish any self-esteem he had.
Yes I do realize what I just wrote.
The other side of my brain wonders though if I still compare him to the first boy in my life. The one who I first fell in love with and who in the end tore my heart into a million pieces. The one who most of this diary is written about. The famous Mr. B. I look back though and it’s hard to not compare the present one to the old one. I honestly think I don’t though. I do try and listen to my therapist when she says he was idealized and I need to remember that. I’m trying. There are a lot of differences between this one and the old one; a lot, but I do realize that I cannot have the old one and I need to find someone just as good. However, I do not think the one I am with is that one.
I think I’d rather live alone than be with him. Truthfully.
I mentioned above a little tidbit about him being a bad lover. This is indeed the truth. Whenever this sick event happens it is all about him, little about me. I have brought this up to him in the past but rarely does this solve anything. Two people who are not together though should not be doing anything together anyway. Yet somehow it seems to happen without me knowing about it. I think I have this compulsive urge to please him, to make him happy, even though it hurts me emotionally. I feel it’s almost my duty as the opposite sex living in this apartment to do this for him. He does not pressure me into it, but I never want to do it. It’s very strange. It bothers me too that he refuses to wear protection even though I am not on any form of birth control. We’ve had this discussion before and nothing has been done about it. I’ve told myself I will refrain from pleasing him in this way, and that lasted all of a month. Once again my doing, not his. So, how do I fix this issue I have created? My mentally compulsive issue to please him even though he does not please me, in even more than a physical way.
I think this is all being brought up because yesterday I found a Match.com profile with his face and name to it. Yes I was going on to create one for myself, but things somehow got messed up so I don’t have one for the public. Good thing because once I was done creating mine, I stumbled across his. It does not bother me that he has one, but it bothers me that he did not tell me about it. It also bothers me that some of the relationship details he would like to share with a partner seem to me like a crock of shit. Why does this bother me? Why do I care? I have yet to discover the real answer to this question. I think, much like with the first boy, I do not want the next girl to get something I could not have. I wanted the first guy, now some other ugly (refer to previous entries) girl gets him. With the present boy I do not want another girl having what he never gave me. He states in his profile that he opens doors for women and that he likes PDA. Um, excuse me? When did you open a door for me? I believe I open more doors for him than he opens for me! I am not much on PDA myself, but hand holding is okay. With him I never have the urge to hold his hand and I think it could be because his hands are constantly dirty because of his work. Of course he could clean them but I think his mother and father forgot to teach him some things on personal hygiene while growing up. He will state that I am just too clean. I don’t see anything wrong with being too clean. In this argument I will fire back with ”You are a guy, you don’t get it.”
The point of this entry? I’m unsure but I think it has something to do with me probably being jealous and the fact that he spent hours on his laptop talking to a girl on Facebook. As of now though he is signed off. I have thought several times about packing my bags and running to my mommy, but I worry about my ‘children’. I cannot live without them and where she lives they’d have no place to be. So once again I have no way out except to stay and put up with hell. In which case I will continue to post random and long entries about my concerns. I will probably look back on this post one day and be completely confused as to what I was trying to say. On that day I will just laugh because that’s how I react to everything. Also on that day I hope I am madly in love with a wonderful and romantic guy who will take all of my memories of bad boyfriends away from me. Ah yes, I look forward to that day.
Amanda