586th entry ~ An over whelming feeling of being alone.
9:43 pm
Hello again. I hope everyone had a great weekend. I kind of did. I had my friend come from home to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with me. It was a very nice change of pace. But of course she had to leave me. Now I remain alone in this world once again.
I have this over whelming feeling that I am alone. Presently and in the recent past, I feel as if I am alone. I am alone physically, I am alone mentally, and I am alone spiritually. How does this happen? It makes me frustrated that this has happened to me again. I’ve always felt distant from everyone most of my grown up life, but I don’t think it’s been so dominant until the past few years. I could say it’s just come up suddenly, but I doubt it’s just sudden. I have this type of personality where I can fake my way through my emotions to protect myself which in the end comes back to bite me in the ass; as it seems it’s doing now in my life. Growing up I had so much shit thrown at me constantly and I learned how to deal with things in my own way. I deal with hard things by putting my emotions in the back of my head in a little box that is locked very tightly. Sure occasionally I’ll let lose and cry my eyes out, but I generally contain things very well. While my emotions however are being locked away to never be seen again, I withdraw myself from the places these emotions came from. I slowly remove myself from the negative contact where these feelings came from. This explains a lot about my relationship with my father. How it is vertically non-existent but I am quite content with it being like that. I suppose this could also start to explain my present relationship with the boy I live with.
I don’t consider it jealousy, because I don’t feel jealous. I would only have the right to be jealous if I felt I was being betrayed or still had some emotional connecting to him. I suppose a friendship could count then? Maybe this is why I’m feeling neglected by him. He’d rather be online talking to ‘friends’ rather than talking to me. Or even spending some time on the couch watching TV with me seems impossible. I often wonder why this bothers me. Tonight I was sitting on the couch watching Desperate Housewives and he was on his computer talking to a ‘friend’. Every time my eye would wander to his computer screen, I always got a reality check in the gut that maybe I’m not a friend to him. He came back tonight after spending the weekend away and immediately accused me of being in a bad mood. Truthfully I had just woken up from a nap and was slightly in a sour mood because of his homecoming. I enjoyed my time alone this weekend, even when I did have my friend with me. It’s nice to spend time with someone else other than the one you live with. I guess he thought I’d be excited to see him.
He threw a tantrum because his computer would not work even though he now has a laptop so I don’t understand why this would matter. In the end however he did not get his computer working so he sat on his laptop like he usually does. This is where my alone feeling comes from. Sitting on the couch wondering if this sad and depressing feeling will ever end. I know I’m not alone but it’s hard to beat that feeling when everyone else has their own lives that I’m not included in. A couple days ago he came home and I was in a grumpy mood again so I told him I’m sick of being stuck in this place while he gets to have a life. I’m not sure if he understood it. I guess I shouldn’t expect him too either since things in his life are going so well.
I think I have a love hate relationship with the internet world now. Everything is easily accessible to your fingertips, even other people’s personal lives. This is another source of my foul mood lately too. I can log onto any given site whether it’s Facebook or Myspace and see people from my past moving forward with their lives. It bums me out. I sincerely hope this is just a temporary mood and that this will not be with me forever. I hope once I get a job my mood will change. Getting a job is half the battle though. I think I take a lot of my anger out on him, but I also don’t think he helps things. I feel like I’ve lost a friend and I’m not sure whether that’s my doing or his. Or maybe, on a completely random side note, I am impossible to get along with? That only a few people in this world can actually get along with my type of personality? Guess I’ve never thought of that before.
In other news, Election Day is almost here. Thank God! I cannot take one more political ad or junk mail. I am so sick of it. This has been the longest political race ever, which I understand why, but the negativity of the race is what has bothered me. There is a poll on CNN right now asking whether negative acts or remarks really have a place in the political race. I don’t think they do. I think the candidates should focus on what they are going to do for the individual American struggling in this economy. They need to focus on how to eliminate the disgusting amount of money we are spending in Iraq and how to get our troops out of there and keep those that are there safe.
I think this rant is over. Until another day.
Amanda