603rd entry ~ This 'thing' has control of me.
4:11 pm
Hello once again world. I figured I’d grace you with my presents today. How thoughtful are I?
I have something I’d love to talk about, but I can’t. I am so close to finding something out, anything out, but I cannot talk about it here. I cannot take the risk that someone will read this. This is eating at me, even though it should not. I’m nervous about getting the answer. I’m nervous about getting the next piece. I’m scared too. I know this shouldn’t matter to me, what I’m doing that is, but it does. It matters because it’s a huge piece of who I am now. It changed my life forever. Changed how I deal with things, how I look at things. This thing changed me for worse I would say. That is why this is big. This thing is from my past, and I should leave it in the past, but I went and dug it up again. I’m not sure why now. I’m learning more about this thing every day. I like that I’m learning things. I’m scared though what I’m about to learn next. I’m scared about how it will make me feel. I’m scared it will change how I view my past. I’m scared it will hurt me. I’m scared it will change me again.
I know this is confusing, but I’m really not writing this for the world. I’m writing this for a reference for me. Not that in a week or a month I will understand what I was trying to say, but hopefully I will. It’s hard for me to say without saying too much. It’s hard to not say it either because I desperately want to write it down. I’ve got few people to talk to as well.
This thing is another ‘what if’ type of question. It’s a huge one at that. It’s like, ‘What if things in my life had turned out even slightly different?’ Would my life be better or worse had things gone this way? How would I view the future of my life? Good or bad? It’s that type of thing.
This is so eating away at me emotionally and I wish it wouldn’t. I should be happy with my life as it is right now, but I’m not always like that. Some days I wish things were different, if even slightly, I still wish it were different. I don’t have many perfect days sadly. I know I shouldn’t think about the past, but sometimes it’s hard. I think it’s hard too because my biggest regret is not sticking with college. Not putting more effort into things. At that time though a lot of stuff was happening, a lot of uncontrollable things. I really do wish things had been different. Too bad you can’t change your past though right?
I need to end this before I confuse myself any further.
Amanda